Sunday, April 22, 2012

Jirassic Lark

Might as well wear a "Kick Me" sign.
Apparently Godzilla was in desperate need of a paycheck in 1966, because he agreed to appear on an episode of the TV series Ultraman in drag (wearing a giant frilly collar and a yellow stripe down his belly) and get taken out like a bitch.

Appearing under the alias "Jirass," Godzilla plays a dinosaur (who might have been relocated from Loch Ness) living peacefully in a lake eating fish, until the Science Patrol comes nosing around with their S-21 submarine (which looks like the illegitimate love child of a shark and a Colonial Viper) and starts some shit.

Though he had been trained by a mad scientist to eat fish at night and sleep during the day so as not to arouse the suspicion of the local fishermen, this intrusion by the Science Patrol rouses him to appear in broad daylight, meaning Ultraman was going to have to kick his ass. Especially after the Science Patrol gets him riled up by shooting him in the face a few times with the atomic Spider-Shot gun. (Why do they always aim for the face? It's not like they're fighting giant zombies).

Ultraman and Jirass begin their confrontation with a bit of a pissing contest, each of them tossing a boulder into the air and blasting it to pieces -- Jirass with his breath weapon, Ultraman with his Spacium Ray -- as if they were shooting skeet. Then the wrestling begins, with Ultraman eventually tearing the collar from Godzilla's bloody neck and using it to taunt him like a bullfighter with a red cape. This understandably pisses Godzilla off, and the fight is on.

Ultraman eventually takes Jirass/Godzilla out with an Ultra Chop to the abdomen, and like the end of a big boss battle in a martial arts film, Godzilla stands in place, stunned, as blood dribbles out of his mouth before he pitches forward onto the ground, stone dead. Ultraman picks up the collar and drapes it over the monster's head before flying away as sad music plays.

My wife summed up this epic monster battle very concisely: "Ultraman is an asshole." Seriously, our hero comes across as a major bully in this episode, persistently taunting Godzilla and laughing at him whenever he falls down or gets hurt. He shows no remorse about having to kill this one-of-a-kind prehistoric beast until after it is dead, and then he just takes off. Who's going to bury this thing? A 150-foot-long reptilian corpse? Do you have any idea what it's going to smell like when it starts to decompose?

This is not sportsmanlike behavior:

 God I love this show.

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